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Loving Someone in Chronic Pain

Pain doesn't just affect the person with it, it affects all those around. Pain is exhausting, confusing, and frustrating and if not managed carefully can put real strain on any relationship. When we are physically and emotionally close to someone, our nervous systems mirror one another so it is so important that you take care of yours in order to allow theirs to lean on yours. Chronic pain is very much linked to a hyper-aroused nervous system with some good days and some bad days.

Articles

When someone you love is suffering with chronic pain, life in the household changes. Pain becomes this additional presence in the relationship as it governs plans, moods, conversations, work, finances, sleep and intimacy.  And yet so often the focus is on the person in pain which is right, but what about you…… the one quietly holding it all together? Pain is scary for all concerned. You aren’t just witnessing their discomfort, your body is also responding to it.

You might find yourself:

• Constantly on edge, listening out for their cries of discomfort;
• Suppressing your own needs because theirs feel more urgent;
• Feeling guilty for being tired and overwhelmed so you don’t express it;
• Quietly resenting those changes in plans and what the pain is doing to the relationship;
• Flipping between feeling hopeful, but then fearful of what the future looks like;
• Becoming an emotional anchor for everyone else in the house, but who is holding you?
• Can you relate to these?

Many partners, parents or carers tell me that they feel they need to be strong, calm and positive for their loved one, but doing this long term comes at a cost. That cost is your nervous system. It’s running in a low-grade threat mode of hyper-vigilance, and is tense and depleted. This isn’t sustainable. Then there is the guilt for feeling like this when you aren’t the one suffering with pain.

Chronic pain often doesn’t have a clear structural cause, but this doesn’t make it any less real, but it can increase fear which can actually intensify pain in a kind of sick self perpetuating cycle. Tests may come back normal or inconclusive, but that doesn’t mean the person is suffering any less.  In fact it can make them feel misunderstood, which further leads to frustration and anger which also fuels pain.

Your nervous system matters too

Someone in pain has a highly vigilant nervous system.  When you are close to someone both physically and emotionally, your nervous systems mirror each other. When someone is stuck in pain, fear, frustration or helplessness, their nervous system is in survival mode. They don’t have spare capacity for intimacy, thinking about chores, decision making etc.

Unless you take time to regulate your own nervous system with self care, your nervous system will naturally co-regulate with theirs. This will means that you end up absorbing their stress, becoming reactive or emotionally flat, losing access to joy and feeling like your bucket is always empty. This then leads to resent and anger and frustration and ultimately burnout.

This is why regulating your nervous system is so important – so that they can co-regulate off yours and not the other way around. The aim if for you nervous system to be a pillar of strength for theirs to lean on until theirs feels strong enough on its own.

I’ve recently had first hand experience of this and the first thing I want to say is it’s tough – acknowledge that.  I learned that regulating my own nervous system doesn’t just help me – it helps everyone around me.  When I’m calmer, I dampen down fear, I hold space for others without trying to fix and I model safety. This is so important for someone recovering from chronic pain.  But it requires more self care than feels reasonable, because your nervous system is working for 2 people.

When pain can cause cracks in a relationship

Pain isn’t just physical – it’s emotional and it affects relationships.  It can create distance, misunderstandings and unspoken tension.  Remember that their nervous system is in survival mode and doesn’t have space for intimacy and emotional support for others.

When carers reach breaking point they can say things like:

• “I’m fed up but I’m not the one in pain”,
• “Why can’t they just find what’s wrong?”
• “I don’t know how much longer I can do this”.

These are all justifiable emotions but often feel like it’s unsafe to express them because they aren’t the ones with pain. That doesn’t make you uncaring, it just means your nervous system is depleted and that affection has run dry.  Unfortunately this stress feeds straight back into the pain cycle for both of you.

What does self care look like?

This isn’t taking a spa break – sorry!! Self care is taking time out each day to breath or meditate to down regulate your own nervous system. Take time out in nature or take a bath undisturbed. It’s kind self talk and acknowledging what you’re feeling, however harsh those feelings may seem.  It’s also having your own support network of friends and family who you can safely offload to. Journaling can also help to offload emotions.

Next Steps

If you or someone you know is looking after someone in chronic pain then please know this – your emotions are valid, your nervous system really does matter and you don’t have to carry this alone.

Please share this with anyone you think needs to hear it – sometimes being seen and understood is the first step towards relief.

Next steps for those in pain

I offer a membership for those suffering with pain.  It includes pain education, Pilates, anti-inflammatory recipes, pain education and group support – more information here

I also offer Free 30 Min Consultations where you can talk to me about your pain and I can let you know whether your pain suits the BEAT Pain Approach and we can discuss your next steps. You can book this using the pink BOOK APPOINTMENT button.